On Friendships & SOs - Café Con Monica

I know this is a touchy subject for some but its something I have been wanting to blog about for awhile. I have varying experience with this topic. I’ve been the friend in a LTR, the single friend, the friend in a new relationship, the angry friend who is wondering where her friends are…I’ve played the roles.

First let me say that some of you may disagree and that is fine, I would love to hear your opinion(nicely of course) and I am not married so my advice comes purely from the place of experience in the boyfriend/girlfriend stages.

Being in a relationship and maintaining friendships is harder for some than others. The most important thing that needs to be considered or addressed (in my opinion) is not intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings. You shouldn’t have an SO that is feeling hurt, a friend that is feeling hurt and you shouldn’t be having your feelings hurt. There is no reason for that.

A lot of people will show me all these quotes and post all this bullshit on FB about how if someone is a good friend they will stick around and understand that you are in a relationship even when you don’t make time for them. I am here to say. NO. Sorry. That is not the case.

It does not make you a good friend to sit around and wait while someone does not place importance in your friendship.

AND

It does not make you a good friend to neglect a friendship because you met someone and fell in love/like.

Talk to some of your friends…you would be amazed how often this happens to people.

You can have both. We can all have both. It is possible. You should have a life that can include friendships and an SO. If your SO is making it so you can’t have friends well you might need to re-think that relationship. If you are the cause of the unraveling because you can’t imagine a life outside your relationship then well then don’t expect them to wait until you feel like trying.

Here are some suggestions I think really help on both sides:

1. Be HONEST – Be Straight forward and honest with both parties. Tell your friends if you can’t be the friend you were and why. Tell your SO why you need your friends in your life and time with them. Maybe your schedule only allows one free night a week and you would hate to not see your SO that night. Maybe you just really want to have them all together because they mean so much to you. Just get it all on the table.

2. Compromise – So maybe you can’t have girls night out 3x a week anymore. But you can always work something out whether its a weekly workout, g-chats, monthly dinner, double dates, group dates, netflix night w/the SO in the other room…something that can work for the both of you so that no one is left feeling neglected. Basically if you want to continue having a friendship and an SO you will need to make an effort for both.

3. Be fair – If you are the friend who is being neglected. Be fair. Not everyone does relationships the same way. You can’t be pissed at your friend if your weekly drunken boyquest doesn’t happen anymore. Make suggestions for things you know you both can do. Don’t rush to assume they don’t care anymore but also don’t sit on your feelings for months (I’m so guilty of doing this). Be ok with seeing their SO more than you had probably hoped and be willing to compromise.Most importantly for this though is to know that compromise is good but being a pushover is not. If you are not being valued as a friend then you shouldn’t be in that friendship.

With all that being said…there are exceptions to the rule.

If you just had kids (and your friends don’t) or even if they do but your a newbie, if your job has suddenly gone from 0-60 and you don’t have time to even pee, If you are moving out of state, or they just moved out of state, if your friend is unwilling to budge or compromise..etc…

Either way don’t be that person who gets in a relationship and stops being a friend. It is not ok.

Comments

FOLLOW